addiction

i read in a book
given to me 
this past christmas:

"Fear is an addiction for a lot of people.  
They don't know how to motivate themselves 
without being afraid of something.  

They don't know how 
not to worry.

When you're living an inauthentic life,
you're going to worry because your  
subconscious, your spirit knows your life 
has no truth.

That is why we're creating so many 
fearful people."  
Richard Rohr - Radical Grace

slowly but surely
i let go of past fears

i was cleaning out a drawer the other night
and came across a paper 
folded two ways and stuffed into an envelope

a paper with single spaced words printed upon it
given to me on a day 
i call black tuesday

i'm not sure why i held on to this paper 
and these words

i knew when the words were given to me 
they were designed to 
instill fear
in me

and they did
but 

even in the midst of 
swirling and pounding fear
i knew these words 
were not the result of 
careful examination or
honest evaluation

they were written
hand delivered 
and spoken 
for other reasons

i knew that then
and i know that 
even more certainly now

people see what they want to see
people think what they want to think
and often the result is 
fear

fear in them
fear in the ones they speak too

fear

is not very effective 
in my life 
any 
longer

i've faced 
danced with
and wrestled down 
so many fears
by this point in time 
i'm finally able to 

let go of 
those words 
and actions 
and worries 
that used to 
suffocate me

i suppose i have to keep 
writing words such as these
because i once was addicted 
to fear

and like any addiction 
i must
on a daily basis 
acknowledge 
my past addiction

fear 
is sin

i've confessed it
i'm confessing it

and along the way 
i become

less and less 
afraid.