Tuesday, April 8, 2014



it's as if i've been training 
for the olympics

a little more than five years 

of living after
two life events 
altering almost every aspect 
of my life
or so it seemed

1.  divorce 

from a woman 
who will forever remain 
a "soul-mate"
who i respect 
and am thankful 
she has shared half 
of my life journey
and also lived the miracle
of two children 
who continue to bless us both.

2.  coming out

to the truth of my life 
that i was born 
gay
a homosexual or what ever 
term you wish to use
because i claim them all now.

in this period of life

i've served three churches
in three different states
was fired but not fired from one 
only to discover deep wisdom through the process
which led me to the precious church i currently serve
as they live into the same kind of monumental change 
i've experienced

in this period of life

i wrestled with every fiber of my being
to complete a doctor of ministry degree
and along the way discovered
the village of loving folks 
who supported me in ways 
i will be writing about for years to come

in this period of life

i've learned to live on my own
far away from the land 
where i was born and lived most of my life 
and
i've listened to blunt honesty 
others have had a need to voice
and 
trusted the guiding words of a life coach
who continues to enrich my life 
with insight and encouragement

some days have moved so slowly 

i've almost suffocated before making it to the next breath
other 
days 
sped by so quickly i forgot i was breathing

in this period of life

i've searched for new relationship
opening my heart with expectation
while having to hone the honest truth
of what i need and long to have
in a relationship i hope to 
share for years to come

in this period of life

i've written and spoken oceans of words
bumping into the reality
that others had to encounter my words
discovering some have been hurt 
while others inspired

so as i 
live into the next season 
i begin with apology
to those my honesty has hurt
i also offer thanks
to those my honesty has inspired

knowing

the power words
hold 
i pray 
GOD 
fill me with wisdom and compassion
and joy and memory 
as i 
figure out 
what to do with the words 
that fill me to overflowing

for so many years i held many words in

for these past few years 
they've been spilling out

but i'm in 

a new place
having discovered 
i've been called 
to be a storyteller 
of sorts
and in need 
of discerning 
how best to share
the stories 
i've been given. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

it's bloomin time again!

it's bloomin time!

as one dear friend
proclaimed for me
i now proclaim for
my brave, faithful,
compassionate, and genuine
friend
who at this very moment
is preparing to speak
truth before people
he is serving.

IT'S BLOOMIN TIME
my friend!

it's time to
let the petals of your life...
all the blessings that have
been hidden away 
burst forth!

IT'S BLOOMIN TIME
my friend!

it's time to allow
GOD'S unconditional grace
to shower down upon you
and fill you up!

IT'S BLOOMIN TIME
my friend!

you are free to be
free to speak
free to receive!

you are not alone
there are many standing with
you tonight and in the days
to come.

so my prayer:

may you bloom
with joy
new hope
fullness
happiness
and never 
be lonely in silence 
again.

IT'S BLOOMIN TIME!

amen
and amen. 

Monday, January 27, 2014

despite the church, the CULTURE imagined something better


(the church:  larger church in america
the culture:  the neighborhood the church lives in)

while the church is preoccupied 
with the nuances of verbs, nouns 
adjectives and other 
intellectual banter
such as the difference 
between 
a and the
in and for...

while the church 
can't find the courage
or the compassion
all along 
demanding
the CULTURE 
to conform...

it is just about 
this time 
that CULTURE 
moved on.

the CULTURE  moved on
this past week 
at the 
grammy's
award show
as one leader i respect proclaimed.

the CULTURE dared 
to do what the church
refuses to do
but is the only thing 
they are called to do.

the CULTURE 
didn't just take on the church
the CULTURE took the church
stained glass windows and all.

the church yells truths
and the church remains silent 
hoping everything will just go
back the way it was
but there is no way 
to go back.

so the CULTURE moved on

the CULTURE 
ordained their own 
and did it themselves.

the CULTURE 
sang songs with all their heart
and pronounced LOVE
and celebrated LOVE.

the CULTURE did 
what the church 
won't do.

the church wrangles 
as if she is still relevant
but there is no 
relevancy if the church 
won't do what the church 
is called to do.

the church can't preach love
if the church can't love.

the church can't legislate love
if the church can't love.

the church has nothing to say to others about love
if the church can't love.

so....
this week
the CULTURE did
what the church
won't do.

the CULTURE
sang 
and 
lived LOVE
as 32 
straight and gay 
couples united in marriage.

the CULTURE
left the church 
behind this week.

in the CULTURE'S dust 
the church 
will continue to wrangle
with votes
and the collection of data
trying to find the way into the future

but the calling of the church 
is not about votes or data
or the parsing of tiny words
the church is called 
to love. 

perhaps the CULTURE
will teach the church
how to love. 

Sunday, November 24, 2013

fully showing up


what does it take
to fully show up
in your
own
life?

some people...
like my
son for instance
was born this way.

from the youngest of age
he walked into a room
confident,
ready,
fully
himself.

for other folks
it takes a longer journey
to fully show up...

for me
it has taken a longer journey
to show up
more fully

to show up
confident in who i am
and who i am not

joyful enough
to know i have something to offer

at peace
that i don't have
to constantly prove myself
but just be.

it's that love yourself part of
what jesus says
when he said

"You shall love your
neighbor as yourself."

i'm not talking
egotistical love
or i am better than you kind of love.

that would stand in the
way of loving others.

i'm talking about
love enough to
show up
as if you
yourself
belong

as if you yourself
have something
valuable to offer

as if you yourself
are loved by others.

it's a circle
a continual wrestling match
an up and down journey...
this showing up
fully stuff.

i've had a glimpse
and an experience
of fully showing up

i've seen and experienced
what my son
was able to see
and claim
at such an early age.

i'm seeing it now in my
daughter who
has deep wisdom at 21...
wisdom that took me 48 years
of life to claim.

i am more
fully showing up
in my life now
and there is
no turning back.





Monday, October 28, 2013

Thankful for Season of Reflection

Great Egg Harbor River New Jersey - by Blake Spencer 

self revelations and life giving experiences 
have been unfolding 
in this time i have not been blogging

crevices of my heart and mind
are filling up with new found 
confidence, and joy

in these past months i have 
been profoundly overwhelmed 
by the love and vitality of the congregation 
i currently serve

i love these people
i simply love these people

i've also witnessed sweeping change 
in new jersey
with the adoption of 
marriage equality
having the absolute privilege
of hosting BENN a community organizer
who has helped to pass 
"gay" marriage in a number of states

BENN and others like him 
have helped to create a future for me
and many others like me

i've also moved to a new house
and this time the house 
feels like 
home

and on the 27th
i celebrated 2 years of love
i met the man i love
thom
precious, gentle, sweet

these are a few experiences 
creating a sense of peace
in my life

peace 
will guide my words
as i 
slowly 
begin to 
write here in this 
place
again

you are welcome 
to come along 


Friday, August 16, 2013

breaking my self-imposed silence


i'm interrupting my period of self-imposed 
bloggersphere silence 
for an important occassion 

it's my momma's 
birthday

that's my momma and me in the pic above 
she's still as beautiful
i'm bigger now!

on this birth
day 
for my momma
i want to re-print some words 
that have become 
some of my favorite words 
written by 
macrina wiederkehr: 

What is home but that place where 
your name becomes precious, 
the place where your name finds its power? 
You find power when you are at home
because it is there that you are 
loved, cherished, and accepted as you are, 
with all your frailty, fears, and flaws. 
It is there in that lovely dwelling place called home
that you discover you don't have to be perfect to be loved.
There at home, you are able to embrace the truth
that it's part of your life's journey to be in process.
You don't have to be finished to be good. 
You don't have to be finished to see your splendor.
What is home but that place where forgiveness 
stands at the door, peers out the window,
and rushes down the steps to meet you? 
You may be thinking, "I've never felt that kind of home."

macrina goes on to write
but i stop here to say
i have been more than blessed 
to have experienced the kind of home she describes

my mother is one of the 
very important people in my life
who has loved me
in such a healthy and whole way 
that i have been able to 
to not only get a glimpse of 
who i really am 
i have 
finally grasped 
with courage and gratitude 
the life i was born 
to live

my mother not only birthed me
she embraced me
she protected me but at the same time
nudged me to be strong and independent 
she listened

oh my lord 
has the women listened 
to my words 

and because she listened 
i re-discovered again and again 
how deeply i am loved

because she listened
i found my way

my mother has in the core of her being
the very stuff that
those who came before us had...

you know those 
women who made there way west 
in wagons and horses
and pioneered 
wild and beautiful 
lands.

my mother is one of those 
who has the beauty and the tenacity 
to....

well, 
to make things 
happen

she's one of those 
TEXAS women that make people 
proud to be a TEXAN

i am proud to be 
the son of 
GERTIE MARIE WEISINGER SPENCER

happy birthday 
to the best momma 
a boy could have. 




Monday, April 22, 2013

a time for silence


there is a time to 
speak 
and there is a time 
to be silent

during the past few years
i've used this space called a 
blog to speak

during the past year
i have had the freedom
and the safety to speak 
what had long been
sealed up 
in the proverbial closet

the closet 
kind of silence 
is the kind of silence 
that chokes 

yet it's not totally 
silent in the closet
there are all kinds of 
voices speaking...
            i 
               heard

for me
the closet broke open
and the imposed silence 
no longer silenced 
me

i'm gay...
i've been writing 
and talking about 
being gay
these past months 
because i couldn't for 
so very long

it's my story
i've been speaking it
and with it 
came helpings of 
all kinds of emotion
and sometimes 
the servings of emotion 
were biggy sized 

it's my story
but it's not the only story

i'm not a hero for speaking 
my story

i am simply 
a man
who found 
freedom to do so

along the way 
in all the words i've
been typing into this space
many
      so many in my life
       
people i've known for 
       a very long time
           and people i've 
                just recently met

have sent me emails
hand-written letters
texts
facebook messages

some have called me on the phone 
others have come into my office
and some
have sipped wine 
on the various 
porches and decks 
connected to the homes
i lived in these past years 

all to tell me
their stories 
their perspectives 
their pain and their joy
their hopes 
and intentions 
and regrets

i've discovered in 
such beautiful ways 
how our lives 
are interconnected
over-lapping

it has taken courage
and the gift of grace from many
to find my way out of the closet
and to speak my story

i thank those who 
have listened along the way
and have encouraged me
accepted me
and loved me

and in turn 
trusted me with 
your story

during the last weeks
i've been 
sensing that i need
to enter a period of silence
so as to accomplish several things

(thomas kempis said it this way...
"no one speaks more confidently than the one 
who gladly remains silent."  

dietrich bonhoeffer continues:  
there is a wonderful power in being silent- 
the power of clarification, 
purification, 
and focus on what is essential." 

so with these wise words 
i need to take 
a step away from this 
blog for a period of time

i won't remain in total silence
i just won't be here for a while

i have a project i have to try to finish
i also have a church to serve...
a church who has brought alive the joy of ministry again
i also have children and friends and family to savor
and i have a man i love

i think 
this is a time for me to focus 
on what is essential

just think of the stories 
i will have to share
when i return

i'll be back
because this 
space
has provided me
the gift 
i needed 
to find my way 

i've found my way 
to a beautiful 
place

i need to 
enjoy it 
with
out commentary
for a season

perhaps 
you can tell 
me your story
or more of your 
story 
while i rest my 
blogging fingers

i pray you do