a time for silence

there is a time to 
speak 
and there is a time 
to be silent

during the past few years
i've used this space called a 
blog to speak

during the past year
i have had the freedom
and the safety to speak 
what had long been
sealed up 
in the proverbial closet

the closet 
kind of silence 
is the kind of silence 
that chokes 

yet it's not totally 
silent in the closet
there are all kinds of 
voices speaking...
            i 
               heard

for me
the closet broke open
and the imposed silence 
no longer silenced 
me

i'm gay...
i've been writing 
and talking about 
being gay
these past months 
because i couldn't for 
so very long

it's my story
i've been speaking it
and with it 
came helpings of 
all kinds of emotion
and sometimes 
the servings of emotion 
were biggy sized 

it's my story
but it's not the only story

i'm not a hero for speaking 
my story

i am simply 
a man
who found 
freedom to do so

along the way 
in all the words i've
been typing into this space
many
      so many in my life
       
people i've known for 
       a very long time
           and people i've 
                just recently met

have sent me emails
hand-written letters
texts
facebook messages

some have called me on the phone 
others have come into my office
and some
have sipped wine 
on the various 
porches and decks 
connected to the homes
i lived in these past years 

all to tell me
their stories 
their perspectives 
their pain and their joy
their hopes 
and intentions 
and regrets

i've discovered in 
such beautiful ways 
how our lives 
are interconnected
over-lapping

it has taken courage
and the gift of grace from many
to find my way out of the closet
and to speak my story

i thank those who 
have listened along the way
and have encouraged me
accepted me
and loved me

and in turn 
trusted me with 
your story

during the last weeks
i've been 
sensing that i need
to enter a period of silence
so as to accomplish several things

(thomas kempis said it this way...
"no one speaks more confidently than the one 
who gladly remains silent."  

dietrich bonhoeffer continues:  
there is a wonderful power in being silent- 
the power of clarification, 
purification, 
and focus on what is essential." 

so with these wise words 
i need to take 
a step away from this 
blog for a period of time

i won't remain in total silence
i just won't be here for a while

i have a project i have to try to finish
i also have a church to serve...
a church who has brought alive the joy of ministry again
i also have children and friends and family to savor
and i have a man i love

i think 
this is a time for me to focus 
on what is essential

just think of the stories 
i will have to share
when i return

i'll be back
because this 
space
has provided me
the gift 
i needed 
to find my way 

i've found my way 
to a beautiful 
place

i need to 
enjoy it 
with
out commentary
for a season

perhaps 
you can tell 
me your story
or more of your 
story 
while i rest my 
blogging fingers

i pray you do

i pushed send

photo by blake spencer 

mistake

maybe

maybe 

            not

i wrote words

and pushed 

the send key

before 

i should 

have

typed words

and sent 

them

they weren't

reprehensible

the words 

i typed and sent

they 

were

well

honest

even 

still

i woke 

up the next day 

and 

that 

feeling 

welled up 

the feeling 

when you know 

you've been more

vulnerable 

than you had 

intended

the vulnerability

i suppose 

is the stinger

it is in this 

case 

because 

thankfully 

my honesty 

did not involve 

any word

i regret speaking

really

as i think

about it now

i am glad

i typed 

and sent

because

now

it feels that i've

finally let go

of something 

i needed to let go

of

it seems

a heavy dose of 

humility

with a serving of 

embarrassment

got me

to a place

i needed 

to get

go 

figure

vulnerability

and 

humility 

win 

the day 

yet again

i will 

for a long while

pause

before i

send words 

i just typed

i 

just 

did. 

color

sharing 
some color 
today

natural 
beautiful
joyful 

GOD 
created 
drama 
of a good 
kind!

share 
some color
of your own
today
or tomorrow

i was born for days like this

a day of glass
at wheaton village
in millville
nj

beautiful weather 
good people
and art

we're looking 
for a new 
baptism font
and we want 
something 
unique 
and from 
this part of nj

i was born
for this kind of 
stuff

above is a sample 
of glass
we might use

it basically 
looks like 
a geode 

a glass geode

rough on the outside
though smooth 
on the inside

both sides
retract and radiate 
light

the theological 
implications are
endless

yep
i was 
born for days 
like these

i witnessed beauty

photos by wm. blake spencer 

i witnessed 
beauty
and have the pictures 
to remember

one flower from california
with a bee
and two other 
photos taken 
while in 
gatesville 
texas

it is 
and will 
remain 
my opinion
that once you've 
witnessed beauty
once you've 
encountered
genuine 
grace
it remains for 
ever

no one can take
it away

i witnessed 
beauty
the kind that grows
in gardens 
and the kind 
that eats 
a meal 
with you

i witnessed 
beauty
and it
re
mains
for
ever.

he's just an entertainer was the answer

the teasers  
have begun 
about the new 
liberace movie
and with them come memories

i remember 
the spectacle he was 
how he lit up 
our television screen
with more sparkle than 
any eye could 
comprehend

for a young boy 
in east texas 
he was indeed a sight 

i remember asking
"so
i get 
that he's a good 
piano player 
but 
what's up 
with him?"

never really got an 
answer 

just the same kind of 
mumbles 
i got when i asked 
about other interesting 
television stars 
like 
paul lynde and 
charles nelson reilly

oh....
they're just entertainers

though their gayness 
was obvious 
it was something 
no one really mentioned 

as if 
nothing was said 
the gay 
thing 
would never have to be
mentioned or
acknowledged

and 
though
i chose to wear 
clothes 
that allowed me
to blend into the background

tan
rust 
brown
beige
grey

though i did nothing 
to warrant attention 

no sparkle 
no candelabra
no ring
no 
nothing

it was i
and others like me
who others called 
with mean spirited 
venom 

homo
queer
fag

really?
we couldn't speak 
the truth about 
liberace...
that he was 

gay

we knew the word
we knew the concept
i'm here to 
attest 
to that
as well as many others 
like me

though i will never 
wear the 
flamboyant choices
of one such as 
liberace 
at the same time
i will 
never again 
choose to fade into the background

these days
people do not call 
me 
homo
queer or fag 
to my face

all i hear 
these days 
is 

homo
sexual 
perversion

spoken by those 
in the larger church

this is why i will not 
ever fade into the background 
ever again 

because 
the perversion is not 
mine

i am loving 
and beautifully created

the perversion belongs 
to those who
distort 
GOD'S willingness
and intention 
and absolute love 
to create one 
like me
and many others like me

and 
yes
you can bet 
i will be 
going to see 
the movie
about 
liberace

i might even chose to 
wear a sparkly 
ring

fish, fishers, fishing

fishing 
is one theme 
in the christian tradition 

fishers 
of people 
we are called to be

fishing 
has never been 
something i 
enjoy

fish 
in aquariums 
and art...
i enjoy 

fishing 
for people
is a complicated notion 
for a number of reasons

fishing implies 
catching
and some of the 
tactics of catching people 
have 
in my opinion and experience 
not been 
pleasant

fishing 
can be smelly
the fish kind of fishing 
and the people kind too

fisher...
be a fisher
is at the root of my calling
to ministry

fishing 
can be complicated

fish on a whole
don't want to be caught

fish 
fisher
fishing
i am all three
which 
in the long run has helped me 
in this ministry stuff
for as a fish 
i don't ever forget what it is like
when faced with the 
prospect of being caught

fish on the whole 
don't like to be caught
so...
i've been re-thinking 
fishing
and fish 
in the christian 
context

fishing 
provides a lot of time 
for thinking 
that's for sure...
and that is what i do

fishers of people
i'm thinking 
is not about 
hooks 
and nets
and bait
so drop these things
and what is left?

fishing...
what do you think?