another choice

choice

that word pops up often.

i just listened to a rather weak sermon 

ending with an ultimatum...

"you have a choice.  

will you be a frog or a 

prince?"

it occurred to me 

in the process of breaking out of 

long lived silence 

that i spent a great deal of my life

choosing to 

blend into the background.

oh 

there were moments 

when i felt safe and all 

the color and joy GOD planted in me 

could not help but seep out

sometimes burst out...

but there were many more moments 

when i diligently worked to fade into the surroundings. 

funny thing

my very name 

BLAKE

means fair one....faded!

i suppose i simply lived into my name.  

i'm not sure what kind of choice

it is to live life in a "faded" mode.

i worked to wear clothes 

that would not garner notice.

tan

beige

rust.

i operated as 

an observer rather than a participant 

in many life situations. 

though i was born with a loud voice

i chose to remain silent.  

i will not ever forget the reaction of 

one of my professors in seminary 

when i spoke up in class one afternoon.

he stood with a dumbfounded expression 

and said to the whole class...

"he talks. 

after all these years

he finally said something."  

i don't remember what i said

can't say it was that profound

but the response of the professor

rooted deep down into my soul

and i asked myself...

"what am i afraid of?"

deep 

d

o

w

n 

i knew.

i knew that if i spoke too many words

asked too many questions

shared too many ideas 

the deep down secret 

of my sexuality might 

be found out

and life as i knew it 

would cease. 

so i chose to remain silent 

in many ways

on many occasions.

i learned to make other noise

say other words

laugh thunderously 

so as to mask

the fear

i lived. 

it was a choice

but really 

what kind of choice is this?

and why would 

anyone choose to live this way?

and why would anyone

expect others to live this way?

i learned from a 

psychiatrist that 

brokenness and

denial

can only live in our 

bodies

psyches

souls 

only so long....

and then

for what ever reason 

in what ever season

brokenness and denial can no longer be contained

and like the 

stone on a long sealed tomb

meant for resurrection 

it blows open

with such force

that denial of any kind 

can

no longer 

r

e

m

a

i

n. 

i saw it happen to others 

with whom i ministered 

and 

d

e

e

p

down 

i knew it would one day happen to 

m

    e.

it 

did.

the tomb of fear

the life cycle or denial

burst wide open

and life as i knew it ceased.

as i sat in the crumbled pieces of fear 

i picked up the shards 

and the slivers

and slowly began to 

discover 

color

hope

future

life.

for the past four years

i've been 

fitting 

those slivers and shards 

back together 

and

i have 

found 

my voice

my 

future.