Friday, June 22, 2012

really? you don't think i thought of that?

on the other side of
unconditional love
and genuine friendship
is condemnation.

book ends
of life 
when you are gay.

in the closet of fear and shame
gays hide from condemnation.

"they won't know my name,
they can't see my face"
we whisper 
to ourselves...
and yet the sting of 
condemnation burns deep
because even in the depths
of the closet one 
sees and hears. 

out of the closet
gays come face to face 
with condemnation.
those who condemn finally have 
a name, a face,
and in my case
an address. 

the package was too large for the mailbox 
so it sat on the front porch
waiting for that moment when i would come 
home and open the contents.

for some reason
i knew this was not a gift
i would be thankful to receive...
and yet i opened it.

three books
two video tapes 
and a multi-page hand written letter...

the author of the words
explained that because of the deep respect 
she had for my family 
she would not reveal her identity.

i knew 
who the anonymous giver was. 

i smelled her identity...
the combination of cigarette smoke and perfume
along with her return zip code
were her calling card.

i had also been told of her past antics 
with another in the church
who was gay.

her anonymity had nothing to do with respect.
she might as well have worn a pointy sheet 
with eye holes over her head
and burned a cross on my lawn
and spray painted hatred on the bricks of my house.

instead she glued her so called words of love together
with venom and placed it all in a box
as if she were presenting me an expensive 
piece of antique porcelain.

"pray harder and the gay will go away."

and then the presentation of scriptures...
abused and misused 
so that folks like her 
might feel better about their 
short-sided, overly righteous perspectives. 

and then a plea to think long and hard 
before i make any further 
shoddy decisions 
that would land me in the pit of eternal hell.


when did you ever stop to ask me if i had 
heard or pondered these things?

when did you take time to listen to my story?

do you know how long and 
just how many prayers i did pray
for GOD to take away 
my core identity so that others in my life
might be well.

how do you know
the decisions i did make
if you never took time to talk with me? 

the decisions to mold the majority of my life
around a foundation of fear
in hopes that others might accept me.  

along the way
it seemed others did accept me 
that is...
if i remained silent 
and pretended my
GOD created core was
instead a terribly gone wrong
flawed mistake.

i made a decision for all those 
stealth street preachers 
looming in the corners of the church.
and when i finally realized
by way of 
GOD'S grace
and GOD'S word
that my decision to live life
with the hopes of pleasing others
did not please GOD...

this is when i literally 
fell to the ground
and gave everything i am
to GOD.

this is when i 
finally gave my self 
space enough to 
recognize GOD'S love.

so to my gift giver
and all the others 
who feel compelled to 
condemn in the name of love:
when you fall to the ground
and give up everything...

when you find the compassion enough
to listen to the story of those you condemn
rather than
cram your words
in their faces...

when you have courage to examine
your life journey...

then come sit with me
and we can talk
the only love that matters. 

GOD loves me 
this i know...
all i need to know.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you were the recipient of this "gift." May you heal in God's grace and peace. Sorry to use anonymous, but I have such trouble getting through Blogger's captcha.

Reverend Shawn said...

Hmmmm ... Not all Canadians are as tiny minded as the guy in the picture you used!! Most of us are pretty decent land accepting folks. One day my friend you need to come to my neck of the woods and preach from our pulpits and share your wonderful truth witnessing message!!!
Shalom my friend!!!!