Wednesday, June 20, 2012

re - arranged

four years ago
when i returned from the lake
after vacation with my family and friends
i made an appointment with a pastoral counselor.

i needed help to sort through 
all that was happening...
and all that was about to happen
as denial came to a screaching halt 
and i finally 
was able to admit 
to myself and to others
that i
and am gay. 

in that moment 
my life was being re-

practically every element of my life
would be opened up and moved.

on the one hand this prospect was freeing,
on the other it was frightening.  

i know now...
for me this process was about stepping into 
a new beginning.

i know now...
for my ex-wife this process was mostly about 
stepping into an ending.

i can't speak for her
and won't.

it just seems to me from this vantage point
after having spoken to others in the same life situation
we experienced
that for her (my ex-wife) 
getting a glimpse beyond 
the ending that loomed 
after 22 years of marriage
was indeed a heavy burden...
one that she did not deserve to carry
because really
all she ever did 
was love. 

upon meeting my counselor 
i shared with her the plan to 
remain with my wife until our daughter 
graduated high school.

she said it was good to have goals.
she also said i had plenty to deal with 
before making any permanent plans. 

my first task was to live into all the things
i had pushed away during my life time.

my counselor said,
"now that you have announced long silenced 
truths in your life, it is time for you to find 
others to talk with.  it is also time for you to 
begin making peace with yourself."

she continued,
"you know, my office is just a few blocks 
away from the 'gayborhood'....the 
neighborhood where many gay folks live.
i encourage you to go take a walk there,
have some coffee, spend some time there."

so i did.
at first 
i was 

it is hard to move out of the darkness 
of hiding and walk into 
the light of truth and reality.

it is also hard to shake the words of bullies.

it is even harder to step away from the words of 
religious condemnation. 

it is even more difficult to let go of 
and condemnation. 

but i did.

i found the courage to walk into the middle 
of the neighborhood where others like me

and slowly 
i  began to meet myself.
slowly the long lived storm 
of fear and shame began to 
calm and quieten.

i'm pretty sure
this is what GOD 
had desired for me all along...

to step away from fear
and to put down shame. 

the new beginning 

1 comment:

Reverend Shawn said...

One of my favourite hymns is "walk with me" written by John S. Rice ... I find myself humming that hymn as I read your last half a dozen postings and I sang it outloud as I read this posting.

There are many of us who walk with you and love you unconditionally and welcome the revelation of God's Kingdom that you embody and share and celebrate through your journey.

You most recent postings have been truly breath-taking.

Thank You.