re - arranged

four years ago

when i returned from the lake

after vacation with my family and friends

i made an appointment with a pastoral counselor.

i needed help to sort through 

all that was happening...

and all that was about to happen
as denial came to a screaching halt 
and i finally 
was able to admit 
to myself and to others
that i
was
and am gay. 

in that moment 
my life was being re-

arran

ge 

d.

practically every element of my life

would be opened up and moved.

on the one hand this prospect was freeing,

on the other it was frightening.  

i know now...

for me this process was about stepping into 

a new beginning.

i know now...

for my ex-wife this process was mostly about 

stepping into an ending.

i can't speak for her

and won't.

it just seems to me from this vantage point

after having spoken to others in the same life situation

we experienced

that for her (my ex-wife) 

getting a glimpse beyond 

the ending that loomed 

after 22 years of marriage

was indeed a heavy burden...

one that she did not deserve to carry

because really

all she ever did 

was love. 

upon meeting my counselor 

i shared with her the plan to 

remain with my wife until our daughter 

graduated high school.

she said it was good to have goals.

she also said i had plenty to deal with 

before making any permanent plans. 

my first task was to live into all the things

i had pushed away during my life time.

my counselor said,

"now that you have announced long silenced 

truths in your life, it is time for you to find 

others to talk with.  it is also time for you to 

begin making peace with yourself."

she continued,

"you know, my office is just a few blocks 

away from the 'gayborhood'....the 

neighborhood where many gay folks live.

i encourage you to go take a walk there,

have some coffee, spend some time there."

so i did.

at first 
i was 
terrified.

it is hard to move out of the darkness 

of hiding and walk into 

the light of truth and reality.

it is also hard to shake the words of bullies.

it is even harder to step away from the words of 

religious condemnation. 

it is even more difficult to let go of 

self-judgement 

and condemnation. 

but i did.

slowly...

i found the courage to walk into the middle 

of the neighborhood where others like me

lived.

and slowly 

i  began to meet myself.

slowly the long lived storm 

of fear and shame began to 

calm and quieten.

i'm pretty sure

this is what GOD 

had desired for me all along...

to step away from fear

and to put down shame. 

the new beginning 

began.