Tuesday, June 19, 2012

coming out is continuous

my first words of coming out
were spoken at the lake
to two people
who were the most significant 
people in my life
remain significant to this day...
my former wife
and my best friend. 

when you speak words out loud
that break open 
long years of denial
there is little room for turning back.

the truth of coming out
is that it is a continuous process
of telling people.

i had a number of people to tell.
i also began seeing a 
pastoral counselor.

the next four months
of my life were a whirl wind.

i had some of the deepest conversations of my life.
i heard again and again 
from people i knew a loved
and who loved me...

i knew
that you were gay.

he knew.
she knew.
they knew.

and with all this 
i was the one
who had lived in the dark.

it was a strange
and freeing journey.

along the way i learned 
about myself
through other people.

i suppose i finally had courage
to listen to the truth...

all the unspoken questions.
all the unspoken words.
all the unspoken fears...
were spoken.

i finally comprehended
that all the pieces of my 
personality i worked so hard to 
were really the foundation 
of what made me 
a good 
a good father, 

one by one each person said to me...
i knew.

i knew you were gay.
it's ok.

if they knew 
then who else knew?
who else should know?

it takes courage 
to speak your story.

i spent so many years believing 
i was not a courageous person...
after all i was a sissy
and we all know sissy's aren't courageous. 

i beg to differ.

you can find out if you have courage...
start speaking the deep down truths of 
your life
and see if you have courage 
to hear what others have to say
when you do. 

one by one
person by person 
i told my story over the next four months. 

it was exhausting 
but freeing. 

i am so 
very fortunate.
all but a handful of people 
embraced me with unconditional love
realizing that i had 
finally begun to 
believe GOD'S love 
for myself.

only a handful of people
pushed me away...
people i continue to love and respect...
but people who do not 
allow my love and respect 
to remain 
in their lives.  

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