what is it i chose exactly?

photo by wm. blake spencer/lone lily

@ forsythe refuge - oceanville, nj

the fact of the matter is

big parts of my life

growing up were lonely.

oh there were people around me.

i had friends.

i had a very good life...

very good.

the loneliness stemmed from the feeling

of being a puzzle piece that did not fit

and not really understanding why...

or as some say

a sore thumb sticking out for all to see. 

when did you know you were gay?

i've been asked.

and that question i have had to ponder.

if you listen to some in our country

and in the church

there must have been a moment in time

when i chose to be gay...

and if i chose to be gay

then i would be able

to offer up detailed information

like some in Christ's church

who know exactly the moment

when God reached down in thier lives and saved them.

"i was saved on july 24th at a church camp,"

an aquaintance used to say to me before asking me,

"when were you saved?"

as a presbyterian

i don't have a date for my salvation,

it is simply part of my basic understanding of life,

that GOD gave me all the love i needed

long before i ever knew it.

GOD...

GOD'S love...

GOD's power and willingess to save...

just is...

and has always been part of my life.

as a presbyterian

i have lived more deeply into GOD'S love

and the understanding of what it means to be saved...

i did not choose GOD,

GOD chose me.

just as my identity of faith...

my identity of sexuality just is...

and has always been part of my life

long before i could articulate it.

i did not choose to be a puzzle piece that doesn't fit!

why would i do that?

what i did choose
was to fit in the best way i could.

i've learned that this kind of "fitting in"

is a lot like forcing the puzzle piece into the wrong space.

it can be done...

but in the end
the puzzle will not be complete.

i chose to please people.

i chose to blend in.

i chose to ignore myself

so that others might believe i was appropriate.

i chose to silently live in shame

so that those preaching in pulpits and

shouting in the political arena would

be comfortable with me....
would accept me.

and yet

with all this choosing of mine

i was still a puzzle piece that did not fit in...

i was a sore thumb that stuck out. 

choices have been made

that is for sure...

but there is no way for one to

choose to be gay.

there is the choice to ignore it and deny it...

and there is the choice of others

to abuse, and judge those who are gay.

what is it i chose exactly?

the choices concerning the core of

my GOD created being

were not mine...

they are not yours...

those choices are GOD'S.

my left hand

and my voice diligently worked

to tell my story
during the years
i remained silent
and closed up...

when i did not have the courage to
speak.

my left hand
and my voice
did their best to do what i
could not...
but that's a story for
another day.