Thursday, May 31, 2012

what is it i chose exactly?

photo by wm. blake spencer/lone lily
@ forsythe refuge - oceanville, nj

the fact of the matter is
big parts of my life
growing up were lonely.

oh there were people around me.
i had friends.
i had a very good life...
very good.

the loneliness stemmed from the feeling
of being a puzzle piece that did not fit
and not really understanding why...
or as some say
a sore thumb sticking out for all to see. 

when did you know you were gay?
i've been asked.
and that question i have had to ponder.

if you listen to some in our country
and in the church
there must have been a moment in time
when i chose to be gay...
and if i chose to be gay
then i would be able
to offer up detailed information
like some in Christ's church
who know exactly the moment
when God reached down in thier lives and saved them.

"i was saved on july 24th at a church camp,"
an aquaintance used to say to me before asking me,
"when were you saved?"

as a presbyterian
i don't have a date for my salvation,
it is simply part of my basic understanding of life,
that GOD gave me all the love i needed
long before i ever knew it.
GOD'S love...
GOD's power and willingess to save...
just is...
and has always been part of my life.

as a presbyterian
i have lived more deeply into GOD'S love
and the understanding of what it means to be saved...

i did not choose GOD,
GOD chose me.

just as my identity of faith...
my identity of sexuality just is...
and has always been part of my life
long before i could articulate it.

i did not choose to be a puzzle piece that doesn't fit!
why would i do that?

what i did choose
was to fit in the best way i could.
i've learned that this kind of "fitting in"
is a lot like forcing the puzzle piece into the wrong space.

it can be done...
but in the end
the puzzle will not be complete.

i chose to please people.
i chose to blend in.
i chose to ignore myself
so that others might believe i was appropriate.

i chose to silently live in shame
so that those preaching in pulpits and
shouting in the political arena would
be comfortable with me....
would accept me.

and yet
with all this choosing of mine
i was still a puzzle piece that did not fit in...
i was a sore thumb that stuck out. 

choices have been made
that is for sure...
but there is no way for one to
choose to be gay.

there is the choice to ignore it and deny it...
and there is the choice of others
to abuse, and judge those who are gay.

what is it i chose exactly?
the choices concerning the core of
my GOD created being
were not mine...
they are not yours...
those choices are GOD'S.

my left hand
and my voice diligently worked
to tell my story
during the years
i remained silent
and closed up...
when i did not have the courage to

my left hand
and my voice
did their best to do what i
could not...
but that's a story for
another day.


Reverend Shawn said...

You CHOSE to heed the call and to be true to yourself, and we are grateful for it.

Keep preaching with laughter, love AND truth!!!

Linda C. said...

Reading this I can't help but realize I feel the same way. Not about my sexuality, but about my place in the world. Especially my place in the work world. I was just saying the other day I feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole. But, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.