Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I finnally woke up...

Why did it take so many years to let go? Why now? Why in this place? More importantly why did I so willingly hold on to my insecurities for so long?

This past month I finally woke up. Reading eleven books for the class I am currently taking helped open my eyes. Though I complained about all the reading....each book affirmed, confirmed, assured, and at the same time convicted me.

I've been on the right track lately in ministry.
I am also guilty of hanging on to things from my past.

I know the answers to the above questions....for the most part.

Why did it take so long? Because I was not willing to trust myself or God?

Why now? Partly....because I am in the proverbial mid-life moment, that moment many of us ask ourselves if we want to continue living the way we have been living. Mostly....because God's Holy Spirit has been nudging me in this direction for a long time. I suppose God nudged to the brink of awareness, and now I am awake.

Why in this place? Because it is in this place where anxiety, accusations, anger, threats, etc. came flying at me from so many directions by so many people that I could no longer control my emotions, or thinking.

I lost control of keeping control.

I lost my grip and all there was left to do was to let go, give up, and when I did....I discovered for the very first time that what I say I believe is true.

"I believe in the resurrection of the dead."

Basically my insecurities and my desire to nurture and sustain my insecurities died. And with that death God has given me the strength and the courage to accept what I have never been able to accept......that I am smart enough, courageous enough to do this thing called ministry.

Why did I so willingly hold on to my insecurities for so long? Because that is what I knew. It was comfortable in a way. Insecurities gave me excuses. I know now that I don't need to be comfortable nor do I need the security of excuses.

When I began ministry in South Arkansas I described my first pastoral experience as entering the wilderness. For twenty years I've been wandering in the wilderness. I've had some good years, some good moments, many gifts, much love, and joy along the way. But always I've carried the baggage of insecurities.

This month I step into the land of promise.....the land God's Holy Spirit has been leading me to for twenty years. (Perhaps it took so long because I was unwilling to stop and ask for directions!)

I step into the land knowing that life will continue to have ups, downs, ins, outs, good, bad, life and death.....however I step into this new land finally able to trust God. I now know in a way I haven't known that I don't have to do ministry on my own.

I think I finally understand what it means when God promises to go with us along the journey.

No comments: