Personal Psalm

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

I crossed a vast wilderness filled with brokenness. It took me close to five years. Each year I had hope that the dysfunction and meanness within the congregation would heal, but it did not. Anxiety of what should and could and might be trumped all else. Power struggles and anger snuffed out hope. Stubbornness erased imagination. The need to be right became the focus of worship.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

But we wailed against you as if you were not there, as if you did not care. We did not have courage to blame you as did those first wilderness wanderers. We blamed each other. I sat in my office behind the safety of a door but this did not stand in the way of gossip, and shouting. I hunkered down with determination only to curl up as an embryo in womb.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

In response to generations of dysfunction I retaliated with words. Words stacked up on words causing wounds to fester until there was no more life. So, with guidance and discernment I left. I walked away.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

You sent words of wisdom through others. “Go and you will discover again the gentleness and love of a congregation.” I followed and you led me to the beauty and the safety of a porch where I sit each morning praying and sipping coffee. On the porch I see and hear only your voice. The dysfunctional voices fade. On the porch you slowly heal the brokenness.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

From the porch I claim the grace of the wilderness. You used the brokenness, dysfunction, and meanness of the wilderness to heal and make me whole. I could not see it then. I see it now. It took life in the wilderness to peal away the shame in my life. In the wilderness you, O God, pealed away my life revealing what I had so thoroughly denied. You pealed me and I cried. I cried more tears than I thought possible. The tears washed me clean. The tears prepared me for what is to come. The tears renewed my baptism.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.

Now I have peace and redemption. On the porch you reveal life. People pass by, birds fly through, grass grows, the wind blows, the sun rises and sets.

You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy you lead.
You lead, O Rock and Redeemer, with mercy…
You lead, O Rock and Redeemer…
You lead, O Rock…
You lead.