Wednesday, June 13, 2012

the third visit

photo by wm. blake spencer/bloomin' time

the third time
GOD spoke to me...
with me...
for me...
was a little over four years ago.

my family...
my daughter and my wife
had joined our friends at the lake.
my son stayed home to work and get a taste 
of life on his own that year.

our annual trek to the lake
was literally the one time our family had
space and time to relax and enjoy.
we loved this trip.
we depended on this trip.

we had done all our unpacking
had time to visit with our friends and sit
on the deck overlooking the lake.
we had sipped some beverages and had more than a few laughs.

eventually the tiredness from all the driving 
caught up with us and we went to bed.
my wife and i shared the tiny front room
with an overly firm mattress with too many springs.

though i never slept much the first night at the lake...
that night i went into a deep
and sound sleep.

around 3:30 in the morning
i immediately sat up in my bed
dramatically wide awake.
i sat up and instantly said out loud -

"you're gonna talk to me again
 aren't you?"

and i heard the answer.
it wasn't audible....
but every molecule of my being resonated
and i heard and felt GOD say -


and i replied -

"o.k.. i'm ready."

and then i saw in my minds eye a slide show.
for those of you old enough to remember
kodak carousel slide projectors...
then you are familiar with the hum of the motor fan 
and the click of the changing slide.

i was the recipient of  an old fashion slide show
with a theme i
could no longer ignore.

snapshots from my life.
images from early childhood to the very present
all having to do with my denial...
my self denial...
my inability to recognize my true self.
my shame and fear and source of anxiety.

i was gay.
i am gay.
i finally said to my 

the slide show faded and then i heard GOD say - 

"you know, it's time."

i replied - 


then GOD turned my attention to my sleeping wife and said - 

"you know she knows.  she's known and she waiting for you to talk with her."

i replied - 


then GOD said -

"she also is preparing her life for her future without you."

and with that last bit of news
i was left to sit on my own.
my stomach body shook
and the tears began to flow...
tears that would flow for days and months.

i knew the time had come 
and with it 
not only would my life change
but everyone around me
would be affected.

i was up the rest of the early morning. 
i went to the living room and sat on the couch 
staring out at the lake.

the dam of denial had broken
and the the lake of my emotion
had begun pouring out.

i knew it was time
and i would have to somehow
speak out loud
to those i loved most
the reality i had been hiding from and running from. 

i knew it was time
and within hours i would 
begin to tell my story.

i knew it was time.

i was there 
still on the couch when my best friend and my wife 
came strolling out into the kitchen to start coffee.

they glanced my way and noticed
that something had happened to me.
they noticed because more than any other
two human beings they 
knew me.

both of them spoke...
"what's wrong with you?"
"what's up?"

they loved me so deeply 
it didn't take words for me to speak.
they knew something had happened. 

it was time...
but not in that moment.
so i said:

"i am fine.  just make the coffee 
and don't ask me anything else.
i am fine."

but i wasn't fine
i would only begin to be fine
i told them
that i was gay...

but that's a story for another day.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

Blessings to you, sweet brother! What a journey...thank you for so openly sharing this part of your life. I'm a fellow poster from John Shore's blog. This post took so much courage. I pray the Lord's peace to cover you and light your way as you step out in faith in Him.