STOP IT!

there comes 

that moment.

her anonymous letter

and box of 

overly pious 

arrogant

judgmental propaganda 

was that moment for me.

stop!

i finally 

discovered the courage

and the wisdom enough 

to say stop!

stop!

i've spent my life time 

listening to you

and others like you.

and for what?

so that i might grovel on my 

knees before GOD 

and pray that my 

GOD breathed soul...

the core of what makes me

me...

be erased, taken away, covered up

all for the purpose 

that others like 

you might 

have satisfaction?

"take away  

my core identity 

so that others in my life

might be well."

i can't imagine 

what this prayer sounds 

like to GOD.

"look GOD...

it seems the particular molecules 

you put together 

when you created me

are offensive to other people.

you know, LORD...

i've been taught to be polite

and to care about what others 

think and feel...

and it's been my experience that 

others in my life are not 

comfortable with parts of my 

personality.

so, please...can you just

take away the things in my life

that make others uneasy.

they tell me in so many different ways

that you did not intend to make me this way...

oh,

don't worry,

they don't blame you...

they blame me

as if i had the power

and the ability to splice together 

the exact genes and molecules that make

up my being

and then bring them all to life.

i know you have power to do what i'm asking.

so please....

take away the parts of my core

so that others might be well.

please...

will you just do what i'm asking

because 

honestly...

i'm exhausted.  

i've covered up 

hid, 

remained silent,

willingly swallowed the slurs people of faith

have no problem spewing.

i've laughed at my self till i can't laugh anymore.

so, look LORD

just give me a do over.

it will make everyone else feel so much better.

take away my core identity 

so that others in my life might be well."

i wonder

what this prayer 

sounds like to GOD.

i prayed such a prayer 

for years.

i spoke words 

just like these 

because 

more than anything 

i wanted everyone around me to be well. 

and this is what i discovered

during the past few years...

it was an illusion to believe that others 

were well and whole in my life because i 

willingly 

pushed away

and degraded 

and shunned 

my GOD breathed and created

identity.

others were not well

nor was i.

what i discovered was

a prayer

such as the one above

is not only ignorant on my part

it was arrogant

and more than anything else in my life

these prayerful words were evidence of my 

brokenness. 

i literally chose to live out brokenness 

in order that others 

around me

might

be well.

and GOD 

finally said...

STOP IT!

STOP criticizing and devaluing 

what i created in you.

STOP living for other people 

and live for me.

STOP accepting flawed understandings

and definitions 

and live into the person 

i created you to be. 

and so

i've found the words and the prayers 

to do what GOD has been longing 
for me to do.

and so

i found the courage to tell others in my life

to STOP IT! 

stop defining me

as if you had the ability to 

lay the foundations of the earth...

or shut the sea with doors 

when it burst out from the womb...

or know when the deer in the wilderness 

crouches to give birth 

to their offspring.

are you the one who gave the horse its might?

did you clothe its neck with mane?  

do you make it leap like a locust?

is it by your wisdom that the hawk soars,

and spreads its wings toward the south?   

(Job 38-39)

STOP IT!

STOP...

pretending you have the 

power and creativity and righteousness

that only GOD can have.  

STOP 

slandering me and others like me

as if your

voice was

the very voice of GOD.

i finally learned 

to know the difference.

and the difference 

was GOD'S gift of grace...

a gift that has led me to 

green pastures beside still waters.

i had no idea the 

green pastures and 

still waters 

were in a place called 

new jersey!