really? you don't think i thought of that?

on the other side of

unconditional love

and genuine friendship

is condemnation.

condemnation:

the

book ends

of life 

when you are gay.

in the closet of fear and shame

gays hide from condemnation.

"they won't know my name,

they can't see my face"

we whisper 

to ourselves...

and yet the sting of 

condemnation burns deep

because even in the depths

of the closet one 

sees and hears. 

out of the closet

gays come face to face 

with condemnation.

those who condemn finally have 

a name, a face,

and in my case

an address. 

the package was too large for the mailbox 

so it sat on the front porch

waiting for that moment when i would come 

home and open the contents.

for some reason

i knew this was not a gift

i would be thankful to receive...

and yet i opened it.

three books

two video tapes 

and a multi-page hand written letter...

anonymous. 

the author of the words

explained that because of the deep respect 

she had for my family 

she would not reveal her identity.

she!

i knew 

who the anonymous giver was. 

i smelled her identity...

the combination of cigarette smoke and perfume

along with her return zip code

were her calling card.

i had also been told of her past antics 

with another in the church

who was gay.

her anonymity had nothing to do with respect.

she might as well have worn a pointy sheet 

with eye holes over her head

and burned a cross on my lawn

and spray painted hatred on the bricks of my house.

instead she glued her so called words of love together

with venom and placed it all in a box

as if she were presenting me an expensive 

piece of antique porcelain.

"pray harder and the gay will go away."

and then the presentation of scriptures...

abused and misused 

so that folks like her 

might feel better about their 

short-sided, overly righteous perspectives. 

and then a plea to think long and hard 

before i make any further 

shoddy decisions 

that would land me in the pit of eternal hell.

really?

really!

when did you ever stop to ask me if i had 

heard or pondered these things?

when did you take time to listen to my story?

do you know how long and 

just how many prayers i did pray

for GOD to take away 

my core identity so that others in my life

might be well.

how do you know

the decisions i did make

if you never took time to talk with me? 

the decisions to mold the majority of my life

around a foundation of fear

in hopes that others might accept me.  

along the way

it seemed others did accept me 

that is...

if i remained silent 

and pretended my

GOD created core was

instead a terribly gone wrong

flawed mistake.

i made a decision for all those 

stealth street preachers 

looming in the corners of the church.

and when i finally realized

by way of 

GOD'S grace

and GOD'S word

that my decision to live life

with the hopes of pleasing others

did not please GOD...

well....

this is when i literally 

fell to the ground

and gave everything i am

to GOD.

this is when i 

finally gave my self 

space enough to 

recognize GOD'S love.

so to my gift giver

and all the others 

who feel compelled to 

condemn in the name of love:

 

when you fall to the ground

and give up everything...

when you find the compassion enough

to listen to the story of those you condemn

rather than

cram your words

in their faces...

when you have courage to examine

your life journey...

then come sit with me

and we can talk

about 

the only love that matters. 

GOD loves me 

this i know...

and

really...

that's 

all i need to know.