grief and focusing

accepting a call to ministry

takes a certain amount of courage

and honestly...

it involves quite a lot 
of nerves and 

a heaping dose of fear.

leaving a church

is just about as nerve

wracking.

i left the church

i had been serving with my ex-wife

with deep wounds...

wounds that still cause me to flinch

but wounds that have 
been in the process of healing

and are evidence of 

personal growth

maturity, 

and wisdom. 

in the end

a person has to come to terms

with endings.

in the end

i've had to come to terms

with the endings in my life.

there are choices....

(even though you better be careful 

when using the word "choice" 

with someone who is gay!)

there are choices 

with grief....

one either turns away and hides

or 

digs more deeply into life

gaining a better understanding

about ones

self.

i chose the latter.

however for a number of months 

(more than i wish to remember) 

i could not FOCUS.

a tsunami of feelings

flooded my mind and heart...

overwhelmed me

i could hardly breathe.  

i was numb.

i felt as if i had lost 
everything i had ever known. 

i had read and studied about grief

but i had never experienced 

the sting that comes with grief....

the gripping hold, 

the choking hold.

i had no idea just how painful

and frightening grief could be.

i lived my grief 

in what became for me 

a safe place...

among a people who 

appreciated me 

even when i was not at my best.

i lived my grief 

in a little town,

in a little house with a porch
upon which i learned to 
take time to reflect.

the words spoken to me earlier

about the little church 
i would serve temporarily

came true.

in that place

i learned how to breathe again.

but before i could breathe

the darkness 

and pain had to have their way...

the darkness and 

pain

became 

hell.

so 

when someone says to me 

i'm going to hell

because i'm gay

all i can say is...

i've been there.

i've been to hell!

i'm not there any more

and the threat of hell 

no longer has power over me

and i have no need 

to visit hell 

ever again.

i've been to hell...

and that's another story 

for another day.