Wednesday, June 27, 2012

grief and focusing

accepting a call to ministry
takes a certain amount of courage
and honestly...
it involves quite a lot 
of nerves and 
a heaping dose of fear.

leaving a church
is just about as nerve

i left the church
i had been serving with my ex-wife
with deep wounds...
wounds that still cause me to flinch
but wounds that have 
been in the process of healing
and are evidence of 
personal growth
and wisdom. 

in the end
a person has to come to terms
with endings.

in the end
i've had to come to terms
with the endings in my life.

there are choices....
(even though you better be careful 
when using the word "choice" 
with someone who is gay!)
there are choices 
with grief....

one either turns away and hides
digs more deeply into life
gaining a better understanding
about ones

i chose the latter.

however for a number of months 
(more than i wish to remember) 
i could not FOCUS.

a tsunami of feelings
flooded my mind and heart...
overwhelmed me
i could hardly breathe.  
i was numb.
i felt as if i had lost 
everything i had ever known. 

i had read and studied about grief
but i had never experienced 
the sting that comes with grief....
the gripping hold, 
the choking hold.

i had no idea just how painful
and frightening grief could be.

i lived my grief 
in what became for me 
a safe place...
among a people who 
appreciated me 
even when i was not at my best.

i lived my grief 
in a little town,
in a little house with a porch
upon which i learned to 
take time to reflect.

the words spoken to me earlier
about the little church 
i would serve temporarily
came true.

in that place
i learned how to breathe again.

but before i could breathe
the darkness 
and pain had to have their way...

the darkness and 

when someone says to me 
i'm going to hell
because i'm gay

all i can say is...

i've been there.
i've been to hell!

i'm not there any more
and the threat of hell 
no longer has power over me
and i have no need 
to visit hell 
ever again.

i've been to hell...
and that's another story 
for another day. 

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