big sis

my big sister a few years back!

my sister

is five years older than me.

like my brother 

she was bigger than life...

i loved watching her play

high school basketball,

and ride her horse bare back 

ninety to nothing. 

she could fix most things 

and most of the time 

treated me as if i were a

loveable human being.  

on stormy nights when i couldn't 

sleep in my room alone

i would climb into her bed.

my sister is the 

peace keeper

and the protector.

she had moments when she lived into her humanity

and brushed me off

but for the most part her love was 

a tangible reality.

my sister also had a knack 

at pulling the truth out of me.

it was a simple exercise.

all she had to do was look me in the eye

and say, "swear to me your telling me the truth."

i swear

it broke me every time.

i sung like a bird

what ever the tidbit of secret i 

attempted to hide.

one secret 

she really never asked me 

to reveal...

yet she would be one of the first 

in my immediate family 

to hear my story.

i had a window of 10 minutes 

to talk one on one 

with my sister in her car 

as we followed other family members to a cafe for dinner.

i said...

i have something to tell you

and i don't want to waste the time we have.

she said...

ok.

i said...

JAIME...

i'm gay.

she said...

ok.

i replied,

ok?

why is that ok?

she said...

BLAKE

i've known,

it's ok.

i said...

tell me how you have known.

she said...

remember that GI JOE mom and dad bought you for 

christmas one year?  

of course i remembered it.

i hated it....

the commercials had planted the images in my head.

go out in a ditch

create a war scene...

mud bombs

sweat...

ugh.

i wasn't opposed to pretend war

i was horrified at 

the mess of pretend war....

the dirt,

and sweat of it all.

she said,

i worked so hard 

to get you to like that GI JOE.

i sewed clothes for him,

i encouraged you to go out and play.

you never would.

instead you played with SUSAN 

(our back door neighbor)

you preferred barbie and ken.

she was right.

she said,

i knew.

it's ok

BLAKE.

i've always loved you

and i love you now.

such a simple conversation

but 

such profound love.