the third visit

photo by wm. blake spencer/bloomin' time

the third time

GOD spoke to me...

with me...

for me...

was a little over four years ago.

we...

my family...

my daughter and my wife

had joined our friends at the lake.

my son stayed home to work and get a taste 
of life on his own that year.

our annual trek to the lake

was literally the one time our family had

space and time to relax and enjoy.

we loved this trip.

we depended on this trip.

we had done all our unpacking

had time to visit with our friends and sit

on the deck overlooking the lake.

we had sipped some beverages and had more than a few laughs.

eventually the tiredness from all the driving 

caught up with us and we went to bed.

my wife and i shared the tiny front room

with an overly firm mattress with too many springs.

though i never slept much the first night at the lake...

that night i went into a deep

and sound sleep.

around 3:30 in the morning

i immediately sat up in my bed

dramatically wide awake.

i sat up and instantly said out loud -

"you're gonna talk to me again

 aren't you?"

and i heard the answer.

it wasn't audible....

but every molecule of my being resonated

and i heard and felt GOD say -

"Yep."

and i replied -

"o.k.. i'm ready."

and then i saw in my minds eye a slide show.

for those of you old enough to remember

kodak carousel slide projectors...

then you are familiar with the hum of the motor fan 

and the click of the changing slide.

i was the recipient of  an old fashion slide show

with a theme i

could no longer ignore.

snapshots from my life.

images from early childhood to the very present

all having to do with my denial...

my self denial...

my inability to recognize my true self.

my shame and fear and source of anxiety.

i was gay.

i am gay.

i finally said to my 

self.

the slide show faded and then i heard GOD say - 

"you know, it's time."

i replied - 

"yep." 

then GOD turned my attention to my sleeping wife and said - 

"you know she knows.  she's known and she waiting for you to talk with her."

i replied - 

"o.k." 

then GOD said -

"she also is preparing her life for her future without you."

and with that last bit of news

i was left to sit on my own.

my stomach turned....my body shook

and the tears began to flow...

tears that would flow for days and months.

i knew the time had come 

and with it 

not only would my life change

but everyone around me

would be affected.

i was up the rest of the early morning. 

i went to the living room and sat on the couch 

staring out at the lake.

the dam of denial had broken

and the the lake of my emotion

had begun pouring out.

i knew it was time

and i would have to somehow

speak out loud

to those i loved most

the reality i had been hiding from and running from. 

i knew it was time

and within hours i would 

begin to tell my story.

i knew it was time.

i was there 

still on the couch when my best friend and my wife 

came strolling out into the kitchen to start coffee.

they glanced my way and noticed

that something had happened to me.

they noticed because more than any other

two human beings they 

knew me.

both of them spoke...

"what's wrong with you?"

"what's up?"

they loved me so deeply 

it didn't take words for me to speak.

they knew something had happened. 

it was time...

but not in that moment.

so i said:

"i am fine.  just make the coffee 

and don't ask me anything else.

i am fine."

but i wasn't fine

i would only begin to be fine

when 
i told them
that i was gay...

but that's a story for another day.