refuge

picture by wm. blake spencer

forsythe refuge in new jersey

so this i know

i was like many other people growing up

in the midst of peer pressure...

all i wanted

was to make my way

through the day without much notice.

for the most part

i lived in the background of life.

there were two exceptions:

band and church.

band and church:

my refuge

where other people knew me a bit more

fully,

where i laughed and had the opportunity to act

goofy and have fun.

outside my refuge of band and church

i blended into the background and lived as an observer...

not because i was shy,

i'm not shy.

not because i did not have opinions,

i have opinions.

not because i was not smart enough

to carry on meaningful conversations with others,

i'm smart and clever. 

not because i'm quiet,

i'm vibrant and confident and verbal.

i blended into the background

and lived as an observer

because

i recognized just below the surface of

my skin and bones and soul

there was something different

about me...

something

i couldn't quite

understand.

there were moments of clarity...

moments when i recognized

my personality and interests were different than

the other boys i hung around.

i always felt safer with girls.

the clarity about

the core of my personality and interests

never found sure footing.

any clarity i did get

was always squelched

by everything and everyone around me...

and was

also squelched by me.

i prayed more than most

(o.k. that's a judgment call on my part)

but i did pray....

please LORD take away the thoughts and the feelings

that come with those moments of clarity.

oh GOD...i prayed:

all i want is to fit in.

all i want is to succeed.

all i want is to have what others have.

all i want is for others to allow me to be a part of life.

all i want is to be loved.

all i want is to be what everyone wants me to be.

GOD answered my prayer.

and the answer resulted

in a life journey of denial...

for the only way to fit in, succeed, have what others have,

and to be allowed to be part of life and be loved and

be what everyone wanted me to be

was to

deny.

so i denied what i really knew.

i made an unconscious and at times a very deliberate CHOICE

to allow everyone around me to define who i was

rather than claim the definition

GOD so lovingly planted within me.

funny thing...

i denied GOD

i trashed the gift of my life

as GOD had so lovingly and powerfully created...

and then

had the audacity to tell GOD

that my life was not good or acceptable

because others said so.

i had the arrogance to stand with others

and point at my own being

and define it

as flawed and worthless.

and GOD loved me anyway.

GOD answered my prayers

despite...

my rejection (of myself and GOD)

despite my shame.

and i was deemed acceptable by

the church and the culture

and the people all around me.

i was acceptable

though my inner being

as GOD had so lovingly and powerfully created...

withered and cowered and shrivled and hurt...

but no

one -

including me

cared about

my withering, cowereing, shrivling soul that hurt...

and those who did care

i pushed away...

including

GOD.

but...

and this is the biggest BUT

of all!

GOD spoke to me.

LITERALLY  

GOD spoke

to me

and i finally heard!

so now i fully claim

my life

GOD so lovingly and powerfully created.

now i not only

recognize the amazing

gifts of people and love that have long been part of my life

expecially in those years of my denial...

i finally

recognize the

amazing life

within my

self.

i finally love my

self

as deeply as

my ex-wife and children...

as deeply as

my parents and friends...

as deeply

as the new

ones

in my life.

my refuge has expanded beyond belief
and

i will never

turn back
to what was!