gay and church

gay and church:

a real intersection in

nashville, tennessee.

 

 

church and gay:

a real intersection in
my life.

 

 

i've said more than once that my journey in the church...

(in particular as a leader in the church)

is like being in the middle of a tug-of- war.

 

 

because i was born in 1960

i literally stand in the middle of two generations:

on one side the "greatest generation"

who lived through world war two

coupled with those from the baby boomer era.

 

 

on the other side 

the post-modernist/digital/

social networking generations. 

i am part of both

but am consistently pulled in separate directions.

 

 

because i was born gay

and because i lived in the depths of denial for so long

i have also experienced the tug-of -war 

that comes with debate in the church

as to the place of gays....
the practical: ordain or not ordain
the ultimate:  hell

 

 

one side focused on righteousness and rules

the other side focused on unconditional grace and hospitality. 

 

 

though i found my way out of denial

which was my personal tug-of-war

i remain in the church.

 

 

i remain in the church because

every turn i took when i found my way out 

of the proverbial closet

confirmed my call to ministry.

 

 

however, 

staying in the church

meant leaving a church....

in particular the last church i served 

as co-pastor with my ex-wife.

 

 

my ex-wife left first

which left me to wrestle with the 

unraveling of denial and truth

before and in the midst of the congregation. 

 

 

i know now

it needed to happen this way.

 

 

the church was already wrestling with

all the change they could handle.

i learned that when too much change 

is injected into a system

emotion and angst win the day.

and that's just the nicest and

fairest way i can define this part of my story.

 

 

i thought i might be able to

serve long enough in the church

to allow my daughter time to graduate high school

but this was not the case.

 

 

my personal journey of claiming truth 

was unfolding quicker than i had anticipated

which meant that i needed to get on with my life.

 

 

so i did.

i got on with my life. 

i contacted the church hierarchy

which often moves no faster than a snail on a dry hot day

and began telling my story

my need to leave the church i was serving.

 

 

i needed a quieter, safer, gentler place
to heal and ponder and stretch and pray...

to cry and grieve and
to slowly but sometimes quickly

wake up to the new reality 

that had becomeand would become
my life. 

 

 

i'll never forget the words from the
one who represented the heirarchy...

"blake i have a church for you to serve temporarily  

i think this is a good match for you.

they are a sweet congregation.

they will remind you why you wanted to be a minister."

 

 

and they did

and that's another story for 

another day.

 

 

gay and church

church and gay...

this intersection

this tug-of-war continues... 

 

 

but for me

it's less painful

because i do not fear as much as i used too...

and i am no longer ashamed 

of who i am.